What do you say about this?
I read this somewhere. Just wanted to share.
Once, a long time ago in the days of yore, I had a friend who was studying architecture to become, presumably, an architect.
This friend introduced me to other friends, who were also studying
architecture. Then these friends had other friends who were architects
- real architects doing real architecture like designing luxury condos
that look a lot like glass dildos. And these real architects knew other
real architects and now the only people I know are architects. And they
all design glass dildos that I will never work or live in and serve
only to obstruct my view of New Jersey.
Do not get me wrong, architects. I like you as a person. I think you
are nice, smell good most of the time, and I like your glasses. You
have crazy hair, and if you are lucky, most of it is on your head. But
I do not care about architecture. It is true. This is what I do care
As you can see, architecture is not on the list. I believe that
architecture falls somewhere between toenail fungus and invasive
colonoscopy in the list of things that interest me.
Perhaps if you didn’t talk about it so much, I would be more
interested. When you point to a glass cylinder and say proudly, hey my
office designed that, I giggle and say it looks like a bong. You turn
your head in disgust and shame. You think, obviously she does not
understand. What does she know? She is just a writer. She is no
architect. She respects vowels, not glass cocks. And then you say now I
am designing a lifestyle center, and I ask what is that, and you say it
is a place that offers goods and services and retail opportunities and
I say you mean like a mall and you say no. It is a lifestyle center. I
say it sounds like a mall. I am from the Valley, bitch. I know malls.
Architects, I will not lie, you confuse me. You work sixty, eighty
hours a week and yet you are always poor. Why aren’t you buying me a
drink? Where is your bounty of riches? Maybe you spent it on merlot.
Maybe you spent it on hookers and blow. I cannot be sure. It is a
mystery. I will leave that to the scientists to figure out.
Architects love to discuss how much sleep they have gotten. One will
say how he was at the studio until five in the morning, only to return
again two hours later. Then another will say, oh that is nothing. I
haven’t slept in a week. And then another will say, guess what, I have
never slept ever. My dear architects, the measure of how hard you’ve
worked and how much you’ve accomplished is not related to the number of
hours you have not slept. Have you heard of Rem Koolhaas? He is a
famous architect. I know this because you tell me he is a famous
architect. I hear that Rem Koolhaas is always sleeping. He is, I
presume, sleeping right now. And I hear he gets shit done. And I also
hear that in a stunning move, he is making a building that looks not
like a glass cock, but like a concrete vagina. When you sleep more, you
get vagina. You can all take a lesson from Rem Koolhaas.
Life is hard for me, please understand. Architects are an important
part of my existence. They call me at eleven at night and say they just
got off work, am I hungry? Listen, it is practically midnight. I ate
hours ago. So long ago that, in fact, I am hungry again. So yes, I will
go. Then I will go and there will be other architects talking about
AutoCAD shortcuts and something about electric panels and can you
believe that is all I did today, what a drag. I look around the table
at the poor, tired, and hungry, and think to myself, I have but only
one bullet left in the gun. Who will I choose?
I have a friend who is a doctor. He gives me drugs. I enjoy them. I
have a friend who is a lawyer. He helped me sue my landlord. My
architect friends have given me nothing. No drugs, no medical advice,
and they don’t know how to spell subpoena. One architect friend figured
out that my apartment was one hundred and eighty seven square feet.
That was nice. Thanks for that.
I suppose one could ask what someone like me brings to architects
like yourselves. I bring cheer. I yell at architects when they start
talking about architecture. I force them to discuss far more
interesting topics, like turkey eggs. Why do we eat chicken eggs, but
not turkey eggs? They are bigger. And people really like turkey. See? I
am not afraid to ask the tough questions.
So, dear architects, I will stick around, for only a little while. I
hope that one day some of you will become doctors and lawyers or will
figure out my taxes. And we will laugh at the days when you spent the
entire evening talking about some European you’ve never met who
designed a building you will never see because you are too busy working
on something that will never get built. But even if that day doesn’t
arrive, give me a call anyway, I am free.